September 24, 2021
De parte de EZLN
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Sep242021

The Popcorn Commando Unit

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The Popcorn Commando Unit

 September, 2021.

I don鈥檛 know for sure, but legend has it that the birth of this elite unit of the EZLN began some moons ago.

While the General Command of the EZLN has repeatedly denied its existence and classifies the rumors about it in the 鈥淔unny-And-Not-So-Funny Myths鈥 folder (together with the legends of the Sombrer贸n[i], the Xpakint茅[ii] and recipes from the late SupMarcos鈥 kitchen), the rumors place the emergence of the famous Popcorn Commando Unit in the caracol of Tulan Kaw towards the end of 2019.

According to this legend, SupGaleano was hoarding all the popcorn kernels in the Southeastern Mexican state of Chiapas. Though he insisted his plan was to sabotage the large movie theater chains and force them to reduce the price of the highly-prized commodity (and to ban the absurd varieties of rancid, fried popcorn flavors), later investigations supported the hypothesis offered by the district attorney (a being with an extraordinary resemblance to a beetle), who presented the following motive for the crime at the trial: SupGaleano wanted to stuff himself full of popcorn. The sudden and incomprehensible shortage of hot sauce only increased suspicions.

The district attorney, Don Durito, who dressed like the Almohada Brothers鈥 Iron Sherrif[iii] (not to be confused with the Almada brothers[iv], they鈥檙e different), delivered a brilliant piece of oratory full of cinematographic references, at times alluding to Al Pacino, Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Matthew McConaughey (see these actors鈥 films related to jurisprudence). The accused, acting as his own legal representation, was no less well-spoken, and additionally included references to the dramatic arts. He was arguing like Shui Ta/Shen Te in front of the gods (see 鈥淭he Good Person of Szechwan鈥 by Berthold Brecht) when the clock struck pozol time and the entire jury vanished.

Seeing clearly that justice would not be done and that the evil SupGaleano would have his way, Defensa Zapatista鈥檚 kid gang, with the collaboration of the Cat-Dog, raided SupGaleano鈥檚 hut and 鈥渆xpropriated鈥 not only several burlap sacks of popcorn kernels, but also more than a few bottles of hot sauce. Dear Amado was at that moment making his first incursions into Defensa Zapatista鈥檚 gang (though he had already made his debut in Oventik in 2018 at the first film festival, when he stole Gael Garc铆a Bernal鈥檚 camera). He and his friend Chinto made up a sort of subsidiary of Defensa Zapatista鈥檚 horde.

Veronica recruited herself into the new gang: Amado鈥檚 little sister, she is known as the 鈥渞adical wing鈥 of the Commando Unit (she is often seen with [temporary] tattoos everywhere, even on her lips, whenever she gets the sweet and sour candies that come with the tattoos). Chuy and Cintia were recruited later. For a time, Esperanza Zapatista lead the group, but along with Defensa she soon joined the miliciana鈥檚 women鈥檚 soccer team, so dear Amado became the commander.

-*-

It was sometime in April or May. The group of several hundred that would later be baptized 鈥La Extempor谩nea[v] was preparing in the Semillero 鈥Comandanta Ramona鈥.

SupGaleano received the order to make sure that the kids did not bother their mothers while the latter were taking the 鈥淟isten and Share Our Word鈥 course. He faced this new organizational challenge by coming up with a reform to the ezetaelene鈥檚 non-existent organic law[vi], with the objective of providing the children with a military structure and instructing them in the difficult arts of sabotage, indiscriminate destruction and coordinated, orchestrated crying.

He called the children and, in a military tone, said: 鈥You heard SubMoy explain that we must be organized. You all have to understand that even making mischief requires organization. From now on you are a military unit and whoever disobeys orders will be punished by beheading with a machete 鈥 a dull machete, so that it takes a long time, and a rusty one, so that the wound gets infected and you have to get a shot.

It goes without saying that the threat did not have the desired effect. Cintia looked the Sup up and down and turned halfway around. Chuy asked if he should go get a machete. Chinto seemed to weigh the risks. Dear Amado pulled up his shirt collar and Veronica decided it was a good moment to start crying her lungs out 鈥 in Ch鈥檕l, once again.

Our hero (note: that鈥檚 me) was not discouraged by this setback and, drawing upon his extensive knowledge of psychology, produced a 20-liter bucket full of popcorn. The gang gathered around and pressured the Sup with the classic, 鈥淵ou have to share!鈥 But the Sup replied, 鈥淚 can鈥檛, it鈥檚 for commandos only.鈥 All the kids signed up immediately. That was the official birth of the Popcorn Commando Unit as such.

Always thinking ahead, the Sup had a few stuffed bears and a couple of powerful water pistols. He let the kids choose: Amado and Chinto chose water pistols, Cintia chose a stuffed bear that was as tall as she was, and Chuy, as usual, chose a little plastic horse that, as it happens, was not meant to be part of the distribution.

Everyone expected Veronica to also choose a stuffed bear, but she rejected it: instead she took one of the water pistols, grabbed the plastic horse from Chuy after spraying him with water (she couldn鈥檛 take Cintia鈥檚 bear because she had already put it away 鈥渟o it wouldn鈥檛 get wet鈥), and attacked Amado and Chinto. Soaked from the heated battle, Veronica went to her mom and asked her to change her clothes, but moments later she again went after the rascal boys 鈥 who had run out of ammo, that is, water 鈥 and defeated them in a decisive action which was cheered by Defensa and Esperanza as a 鈥済ender victory.鈥 Our hero saw the warrior potential in Veronica and gave her a water balloon gun (the latest model).

As the proverb goes, which our hero invented at that moment, 鈥淥ne does not live on popcorn alone but also on chamoy-flavored popsicles and sweets.鈥 The Commando Unit was provided with all kinds of things for their ironclad formation. That鈥檚 how some sweet and sour candies that came with some temporary tattoos as a gift came about. Veronica was the only one to put one on without hesitation. Of course, she was also the only one, having licked the tattoo because it had a little bit of chamoy-flavored powder on it, to tattoo her tongue. This was how Veronica, at the age of 3, attained, in addition to Cho鈥檕l and Spanish, the Chinese-Japanese-Korean tongue.

The terrific Popcorn Commando Unit currently consists of dear Amado (10 years ago and the head of the command), Chinto (10 years ago and the operations coordinator), Cintia (3 years old and the doctor of the group), Chuy (3 years old and involved in controlled demolitions) and Ver贸nica (3 years old and involved in uncontrolled demolitions).

-*-

The first assignment for the PCU was the sendoff of the 421st Squadron. While the bases of support shouted out 鈥渓ong live the Squadron鈥 and the council of elders burned copal incense to protect the future sailors, the PCU concentrated on yelling absurd chants, incited by an individual of questionable reputation, such as 鈥淲e want popcorn!鈥, 鈥淲e struggle for popcorn!鈥 and 鈥淔or everyone, everything. For us, popcorn!鈥

Of course, there were complaints and even a formal charge, but Ver贸nica began to cry in ch鈥檕l and SubMois茅s having become exasperated said, 鈥淨uiet this girl already.鈥 SupGaleano, showing off his masters and doctorates in childhood pedagogy, presented two options: sew the little girl鈥檚 lips shut or give her popcorn because with a mouth full of popcorn she wouldn鈥檛 be able to scream. Since they couldn鈥檛 find a needle and thread, they gave her a bag of popcorn. The crying immediately stopped. But, what a surprise, upon seeing the results, the rest of the group began to also cry. The conclusion: the second lieutenant Angelina had to make popcorn for everyone.

The story of the chainsaws is similar. When the kids saw the insurgents cutting down wood to carve out canoes, they began to play chainsaws with some boards, meaning that the boards were the pretend chainsaws. Their ambition was commendable: with the chainsaw-boards they tried to tear down the metal posts that hold up the basketball hoops. However, when they started 鈥減laying鈥 who would saw off the other, SupGaleano realized with deep satisfaction that the group may successfully face a zombie apocalypse.

When dear Amado hurt his foot on a nail, Veronica thought it would be a good idea to 鈥渉eal鈥 his foot and asked Chuy for help. With each of their boards they tried to saw off Amado鈥檚 foot. It was at this point that Cintia let SupGaleano know that Amado had 鈥渘ailed himself with a nail.鈥 The Sup recommended, in order to see if it was true, that she tell him that he would have to get a shot. If Amado ran away, that meant that he was just playing them and he wasn鈥檛 badly hurt. It was Cintia who, not long after, returned and informed him that Amado was still prostrated (note, centennials, or however you call them, I said 鈥減rostrated鈥). The Sup put on his best Doctor House face and said, 鈥淚t鈥檚 serious. We must operate.鈥 He advised Cintia to cut off his feet鈥 and his head because 鈥渨hat if his head hurt too.鈥 Cintia agreed. The story would have ended with a triumph of medical science with a major surgery having been executed with 4 hands and 2 boards as chainsaws if it weren鈥檛 for the arrival of health promoters who took Amado on a stretcher to the clinic where they applied bandages and I don鈥檛 know what kind of ointments. 

However, in the face of frustration, Cintia wasn鈥檛 intimidated and decided to be the doctor of the Commando Unit. Since Sup couldn鈥檛 find a doctor鈥檚 play set and only found a veterinarian one, it was with these tools that Cintia presented herself as the doctor of the group.

Seeing Veronica and Chuy鈥檚 laudable talent for demolition, they were given two plastic chainsaws and a toolbox with a drill, tweezers, fretsaw, cutter, screwdriver, hammer, and wrench (all plastic) which had the advantage of being able to be used for both medical surgical operations as well as repairing the chainsaws that, of course, 鈥渂roke down鈥 the first day.

Then the bicycles arrived. Everyone knows that a commando unit without bicycles can鈥檛 be deployed rapidly and effectively. The problem is that they didn鈥檛 know how to ride bikes. The Sup refused to teach them arguing that, 鈥What, you think someone should teach you how to live? No, you learn from falling.鈥 That is precisely what happened and the Commando Unit accumulated scrapes, bruises and cuts, but in just a few days they could easily ride across the basketball court.

-*-

When La Extempor谩nea was informed that at last they had gotten flights, and most importantly, a place to land in Europe, our acclaimed hero (that鈥檚 me) convoked the Popcorn Commando Unit and told them, 鈥You鈥檙e going to be leaving in a few days. It is strictly prohibited to get sick or hurt yourself. You have to take care of yourselves because if anyone arrives scuffed up they won鈥檛 get any popcorn. Is that clear?鈥

To show that everything was clear, Chuy accused Cintia of falling off the bike. Cintia said that Chuy was lying and that Veronica had pushed her. Dear Amado explained that they fight over everything and that if one has a toy that鈥檚 reason enough to fight. Our respected guardian refuted, 鈥What if I give the same toy to each person so that you all don鈥檛 fight.鈥 Chinto made a 鈥淭he Sup doesn鈥檛 understand that he doesn鈥檛 understand鈥 face and dear Amado declared, 鈥As if that mattered, they want the toy that the other one has.鈥

The unrivaled and worshipped hero (me again, but more modest if such a thing possible) informed them, 鈥Well, I鈥檝e already warned you that if you get hurt or sick then you鈥檙e not going to go and your mothers are going to cry because they won鈥檛 be able to go either because of you. Do you understand?鈥 Everyone [Tod@s] responded affirmatively.

As soon as the brave Sup turned around, Chuy started to cry. It turns out that Veronica had given him a smack for being a gossip. Asked if that was indeed what happened, Veronica confessed that it was without the slightest hint of remorse. 

Distressed, Sup went to his hut. Far from being defeated, he perused his expansive library of psychological treatments, geography, occult sciences, and his collection of Mem墨n Ping眉铆n cartoons and returned. He convoked the PCU and showed them on a map where the caracol and seedbed were. Later he showed them where Madrid and Vienna were. He subsequently drew an elegant line to describe the upcoming flight.

After a long explanation, Sup retired, satisfied at having convinced the Popcorn Commando Unit. The last words of our hero echoed in the air: 鈥Why resign yourself to getting into mischief and wreaking havoc in a caracol when you can destroy a whole continent?鈥

-*-

The camera pans away. The Popcorn Commando Unit contemplates the world map while they avidly suck on their chamoy-flavored popsicles. Tzotz, Trag贸n and Pelusa, three little dogs that usually accompany the PCU on their ventures, arrive and destroy the poster.  A gust of wind lifts and sets in motion a piece of it which reads 鈥淛ourney for Life.鈥

An epic, or well, yes, a bit paradoxical, ending.

Warning: The Popcorn Commando Unit has gone two months without tasting its reason for its existence. A Popcorn Commando Unit without popcorn is like a vampire consoling itself with tomato sauce. Hopefully, this will change when they arrive in Europe since well, then.. why else would it be that SupGaleano rehearses over and over, 鈥Al贸? 驴Brennen Wien und Berl铆n?鈥 on two old walkie-talkies with Amado who is only 10 meters away and says he can鈥檛 hear. Of course, maybe if they put batteries in the devices鈥

I bear witness.
SupGaleano.

Supreme Chief, Ultimate Leader, Outstanding Director, Wise Guide, Historical Historian, Infallible Sage, Perennial Light at the End of the Tunnel, Alpha and Omega (and Delta and Lambda), Lighthouse for the Present and Future Generations, Defender of Modesty and Instructor of the Popcorn Commando Unit (and well, also 鈥淥ur hero鈥 in this epic tale, worthy of being written about by Mart铆n Luis Guzm谩n and Leo Tolstoy.

[i]The Sombrer贸n is a Mesoamerican legend about an elf-life man dressed in a large sombrero who bewitches women outside their windows by singing, dancing and playing his guitar.

[ii]A mystical being with the appearance of a woman who beguiles men on their way home along dark roads. See http://enlacezapatista.ezln.org.mx/2019/08/19/adagio-allegro-molto-in-my-minor-a-possible-realityfrom-the-notebook-of-the-cat-dog/

[iii]El Fiscal de Hierro (1989) is a Mexican narco drama film starring Mario Almada (see below).

[iv]Mario Almada (1922-2016) was a prolific Mexican actor, director and producer who appeared in over 200 films, primarily Westerns and narco dramas. His brother Fernando was also an actor and writer. The pair was nicknamed 鈥淭he Pillow Brothers鈥 [los hermanos Almohada] because of the repetitive and boring nature of their films.

[v] Zapatista Airborne Company. See the EZLN鈥檚 August 17, 2021 communique for an explanation of the use of 鈥La Extempor谩nea鈥 [the extemporaneous]: https://enlacezapatista.ezln.org.mx/2021/08/17/only-500-years-later/

[vi]In the Mexican legal system, 鈥渙rganic鈥 law is a level between the Constitution and ordinary law, governing particular topics understood to involve Mexicans鈥 fundamental rights, and which require a larger majority than normal to be passed.

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Fuente: Enlacezapatista.ezln.org.mx